occupying the world as a single person versus someone who’s partnered
is vastly different it’s very much a tale of two cities
and we know that both in a social aspect and an economic one
there is an actual burden and load that is placed on the single population
because it is a divestment from the hegemonic culture and its wants
and in a way forces you to invest in the nuclear family and being partnered,
having children, getting married
because the load is so heavy financially
that it ends up being easier to have children and be partnered
at least that’s how it’s presented,
and this has been studied and people write about it
and I’m not the first to say anything about it
but the social aspect is large too
there’s a huge loss in the way that your partnered friends
almost create an insulated world
for themselves and other coupled people
because they think you can’t understand
which I’m sure makes sense to some degree
that’s not even what I wanna talk about—
the one thing that comes up a lot for single people
that I think is a huge button issue that we never talk about a lot
is the loss of privacy
I feel like I have great insight on this because I’m solo polyamorous
so even when I’m partnered
I’m single that’s just the easiest way to explain it
and so I watched this happen across the spectrum
and if there’s one thing I know assuredly is that as a single person
if I am confiding in one of my partnered or married friends
about something that I’m stating in confidence,
it is reasonable for me to assume
that they are going to go back and tell their partner
and that is something I have a vast problem with
like I’ll never forget
years ago
when I was confiding in a friend for the first time that I was an s worker,
I was really upset and needed a lot of comfort
and I was very explicit stating that she could not tell anybody,
I was telling her in confidence
it is a criminalized form of labor
I was really worried about what it could mean for me to just tell somebody
it was one of the first times I had said it out loud to someone
and she was really gracious about it
and she gave me a hug and she was like
“I would never tell your secret.
of course I’m gonna keep you safe!”
and then the next time I saw her
she told me she told her husband
and I blew up because I was like
“that’s not keeping my secret
you ran your mouth” and she was like
“my husband doesn’t count” and I was like
“he does to me because I did not tell him”
is her husband a nice guy
and were we friendly? sure
but I didn’t consent to him knowing
I told her in confidence and to violate my trust
because he’s your husband
because your partners, because it’s “pillow talk” isn’t a reasonable excuse to me
when we got into a bit of an argument about it
her excuse to me was that “well
I shouldn’t have to keep a secret from my partner for you”
to which I stated like
because she was saying it would forsake their relationship in a way
and I was like you forsaked our relationship first
because a friendship is still a relationship
and that’s really the crux of the issue,
the fact that the hierarchy of relationships
with romantic relationships at the top
is so paramount
that people forget or don’t care that friendships are a relationship as well
because on the inverse
it would have been seen as an adequate betrayal
if she told me something in confidence about her relationship
and I went back and told one of our other friends
who I had a very intimate relationship with,
who I would have felt
was comparable to the intimacy she maybe had in her marriage,
she’d have thought that was a betrayal,
because it would have been
because violating people’s trust
for the sake of a no secrets in your marriage clause
is not okay and I would rather respect people who would say things like
“I can’t keep a secret from my husband,
from my wife, from my partner.
I’d rather you not tell me” verses saying
I can tell you something in confidence
and that confidence always means you and your plus 1
and having these conversations with my married slash couple
slash partnered friends usually go nowhere
because they are so invested in this hierarchy
in which the romantic relationship and the vows attached to it
are so paramount to everything else
that they think it is it they can willfully
you know disavow any agreements in their other relationships,
in their friendships because it’s not as important
and I think we need to be challenging that as a culture
do I believe everybody is capable
of placing all of their relationships on the same plane?
absolutely not I’m not even asking that of everybody
that is unreasonable I know that’s not how everybody functions
but what I do believe is that everybody should be given the courtesy to know
whether or not their information is actually going to be kept in confidence
before they’re willing to share it
so if you know you’re the type of person who cannot actually keep a secret,
meaning it stays only with you
not you and then whoever’s in your bed,
you need to be telling people that
because that lack of transparency is breaking a lot of trust with single friends