Welcome to Magic 1:01 with me,
a witch. Please ignore the windswept hill,
the dark and stormy night,
the full moon, and the gravestone.
My producer
still has a lot to learn about the harmful effects of stereotypes.
Sorry. Let’s begin at the beginning with the basics.
Magic is all about enlisting help from magicians in other dimensions.
So for example, if you want a banana,
you get a gorilla from another reality to hold one across the divide.
If you want to learn something supernaturally fast,
you find a well read orangutan somewhere in the multiverse
and get him to chew to you.
If you want someone to fall in love with you,
you get infinite chimps with infinite typewriters
across infinite dimensions
to write you a really good text.
If you just want someone who’ll listen,
a bonobo is your best bet.
You might be wondering, are all the magicians in our dimensions monkeys?
The answer is no, and the question is insulting.
They’re all apes. Or to be more accurate,
all descended from one ape like ancestor.
Us too. Although magic is less common in humans,
we’re smart enough to know that magic is impossible,
which blinds us to the fact that we can do it anyway.
So now you know how magic works and why magicians wear capes.
Can you elaborate on the capes?
Oh, okay.
I thought it was self evident.
If you spend enough time talking about magic capes,
someone is bound to miss Here.
And start a trend. Now,
I know what you’re thinking.
If other dimensions exist,
can we visit them? And to answer this question,
we need to talk about rainbows.
People are obsessed with rainbows.
They talk about the pot of gold at the end of them.
The land that exists somewhere over them.
Higher than that? No way up high.
Italians even drive go karts on them.
Yet despite our fascination with water refracted light,
people rarely talk about their most interesting feature.
The door that exists at their exact midpoint.
This door leads to other dimensions
where everything is exactly the same,
except for one small but significant difference.
In this dimension, these things grow on trees.
They’re like if Terry’s chocolate oranges were wet and not as tasty.
The locals call them oranges,
which is a bit on the nose,
if you ask me. In this dimension,
Shrek doesn’t exist.
But they have made a series of animated movies about him,
which proves the legitimacy of our dimensions. Idiom.
If Shrek didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
In this one, Godzilla and King Kong are best friends.
Notice the small heads?
That’s because while evolution occurs in every dimension,
in this one, god exists.
And he owns a sniper rifle.
We’re back in our home dimension now.
And the special thing about this one is you.