I developed a fear of abandonment and rejection as a direct result from FTM. And I know it, okay, for me anyway, in terms of like having to explain to somebody that your compenong was cut at a young age and was altered. So you have never seen your own ever. What? Having to explain it to people is difficult because like, imagine the conversation with someone that you really like or someone of, you know, a close friend or colleague that you’re getting close to. And then you say it. And they’re like, the fear is they either disgusted because we could see a body language, we could see, you know, your facial expressions, you know, the changes that you’re making, the sounds that you’re making and what you’re verbally saying. We, we, they, we’re on edge. Okay, but we will show it to you. We’ll show it to you. We can hide things very well as survivors. We’re very good at keep it, fix ourselves or just stay in neutral.
But I’m thinking like, is that part of like my survival mode? Like the fear of abandonment and rejection either way was brought about by FGM, bro. Because if my own family didn’t hold me down and allow a complete stranger to take a razor to my , mova, cut it up and they sew it together like I am a piece of cloth going on sale. So I’m not gonna enter relationship any time soon because I swear God, my fear of rejection is still present. So my fear of abandonment is still present.
Okay, now I just give less for. But the every single relationship that I got into, most were like talk sages and we could still consider a relationship. But I was claiming as I was so emotional, easily triggered, easily , irritated, ready for an argument, waiting on the sidelines. None of those relationships were ever healthy. And I have a part to play in that. Why? Because I was also thousand survival mode. That’s alright. I wanted them so bad not to reject me, but the whole time I was rejected myself.
Do you know what a smart woman once said? She said, how could you expect to off topic but enjoy sex and intimacy? I will expect love and desire and all of this when you do not desire yourself. Well, you do not want yourself. By that, I don’t mean literally. I mean like if you’re not physically attracted to yourself, how could you expect other people to be physically attracted to you if you don’t think highly of yourself? How the gonna ask expect other people to take highly of you if yeah, you get point.
We got the point. But realization, self awareness is key because knowing the problem means that we can fix the and is easily flexible, have an anchor to it, but is easily flexible. And we go out there, we gain skills, knowledge, you know, keep ourselves aware, make sure we give ourselves of love, learn to forgive, learn to ourselves then to move on. If you can’t, if you’re not ready to give anybody, you don’t have to. Okay, if you’re not ready, you’re ready. But hopefully you’ll get to a point where you can, and you can just let those things go.
And also acknowledge that in relationship breakdowns, we as women, especially traumatized women, we also have a part to play, a small part, but we, so all s, we all have a part to play. Okay, sometimes we’re petty as , sometimes we are vile. Okay, our words can do a lot of damage, but I still want love. I still want friendship. I still want family. But what I am seeing.