Brian Stacy, your mother, Ellen and I are so glad you decided to join us for this family communication session.
So what’s up? You guys getting divorced or something?
No, we just wanted the family to talk as a group.
Okay. Well, let’s get it started then.
All right. Well, Stacy, Brian, your father, Ted and I are a little bit concerned. Celia, the cleaning lady, was in the family room and she found a bag of pot.
She didn’t smoke it, did she?
No, she didn’t smoke it.
Now, we’re not here to calm down on you. I mean, that’s not what we’re about, okay?
We’re just concerned that pot could lead to other things.
Crack, ice, boom, POW.
But we know you don’t want to hear this from us.
Sure. I mean, where are your parents? Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents, eh?
Like your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction, a motivational speaker.
Yeah, one of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools and churches.
You mean to come to the.
House?
Alright, later.
Anyway. Hey, hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay. His name is Matt Foley. Now, he’s been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours and he should be all ready to go. I’ll call him up. Matt, we’re ready for you. His speech is called go for it. Now, he’s used to big groups, so make him feel like there’s a crowd here.
Right? Come on up, buddy. All right. How’s everybody? Good. Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker. Now let’s get started by letting me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about. First off, I am 35 years old. I am divorced and I live in a van down by the river. Now, you kids are probably saying to yourselves, hey, I’m gonna go out and I’m gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket. Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re probably gonna find out as you go out there that you’re not going to amount to Jack squat. You’re gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river.
Now, young man, what do you wanna do with your life? I actually, Matt, I kind of wanna be a writer. Well, Loddie freaking guy, we got ourselves a writer here. Hey, dad, I can’t see real good. Is that Bill Shakespeare over there.
Eh? Well, actually, Matt Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Dad, I wish you could just shut your big japper. Now, I wonder, Brian, from what I’ve heard, you’re using your paper not for writing, but for rolling dubies. You’re gonna be doing a lot of do be rolling when you’re living in a van down by the river.
Young lady, what do you wanna do with your life?
I wanna live in a van down by the.
River. Well, you have plenty of time living the van down by the river when you’re living in a van now by the river. Now, your kids are probably asking yourselves, hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track? Well, as I see, if there is only one solution, and that is for me to get my gear, move it on in here, cuz I’m gonna bump with you, buddy. We’re gonna be buddies. We’re gonna be pals. We’re gonna, oh, math, gonna be your shadow. Here’s you. Here’s math. There’s you. Then, yeah, whoops. And Daisy. That’s amazing. By guy. We’re gonna have to clean that up later. Me and my buddies, my pals, my amigos. I’m gonna get my gear. Wait, yeah, Matt, you don’t have to go, man.
We’ll never smoke pot again.
I’m at. Thanks for all you’ve.
Done. I don’t give a rest behind cuz I’m moving in. I’m sick and tired of living in a band down by the river.
Is the backdoor locked? Yes. We love your dad. I love you, too.