Planning vacations after agoraphobia for 15 years is still something I am not good at, something that I struggle with and something that makes me overwhelmed and spiral and I shut down. I’m very lucky to be able to get out of the house now and to travel a little bit out of my perimeters. I’m so happy about that. But I haven’t got it down yet. I’m not good at it. I don’t really understand how to navigate booking a hotel, where to book the hotel, where to find a good location and destination. It’s just very overwhelming because I have to fact and the distance away from home, the distance away from my destination to the hotel, I need to have my hotel close by so I have a safe space. I need to worry about crowds and traffic and where am I going to eat? Is there eating? Cuz eating is really important for me. with my mood because I’m hungry. I can’t. I have anxiety is enough. Like I have to just eat and set that aside. I don’t want to be hungry. I don’t wanna be feeling weak and shaky. Cuz I need food. Like eat. That’s priority. Eat and then put all your energy into anxiety. If you have anxiety, so you can combat that because it takes all your energy to go exist with anxiety out in the world.
Anyways, vacations, there’s so much for me to think about because of the anxiety and the agoraphobia that I’m still struggling with. There’s just so many factors. So anyways, it’s my birthday next month and I’ve never been one to really celebrate that I was born because, you know, I have mental health issues. So, you know, I can, that’s like a whole another. Do we all really celebrate that we were born or is it kind of like nobody asked me if I want. What I said, do you want to put on this expensive planet for the rest of your life and struggle anyways? So when my birthday comes around, I try to make that one of my challenges, get out in the world and have experiences and make memories. And it’s a distraction from my birthday, but also a way to make the day feel different because I find it to be very depressing to be in your every day daily life on your birthday. I think birthday should feel different and you don’t necessarily have to celebrate, but I want it to feel different because that’s way less depressing.
So on my birthdays, I try to take a little bit of time off of work and go on vacation. Oh, I took time off of work. It’s the only time I can give notice because it’s very hard to plan ahead for things with anxiety, hanging out with people, making plans to go on it. Like anything in advance is very hard for me. Committing to something is something I just don’t do because I don’t know if I’m gonna fight or flight or anxiety at the time. That’s why I’m like antisocial. I don’t really do much outside of these little vacations. My daily life is my daily life. It’s like, it’s not that great, but it’s cuz I can’t plan ahead. I can’t commit and I can’t plan ahead. Cuz it’s just, it is what it is.
So my birthday is the only time I know in advance I’m gonna take time off. Now, what to do at that time shuts me down and overwhelms me because I have a lot of anxiety to factor in and it’s just really hard. And I’ve been going, I went through my old videos of my vacation two years ago when I went to Santa Monica. That’s kind of been in my head of what I wanna do again, but I really struggled. It’s out of my parameters. It’s a little over five hours from home. I’m doing really good with three. And last time I spiraled with the anxiety and the panic attacks. And I remember when I got to Santa Monica Pier, it all went quiet. The anxiety went quiet. And I loved it.
And I would love to do that vacation again and make it more enjoyable. And going through those old videos I saw so a little fear and terror. And it’s a crowded place and getting there is very difficult and the hotels are very expensive. And the money factor really weighed on me. That’s another huge thing. If you’re not rich and you’re trying to vacation and you’re trying to be out in the world and make up for last time and you’re not rich. The weight of I’m spending money on this is, it’s kind of devastating.
So Santa Monica is very expensive and last time it’s all very hard vacationing. Should just be happy, right? But it’s expensive and it’s far away from home and it’s a challenge for me. So I’ve just been thinking about next month and my birthday and if I wanna go, I do wanna go to Santa Monica again, but it’s a very hard place for me to be.
But I know being on Santa Monica Pier feels exactly the way I want it to be. And on my birthday, I would love to be on that peer. So that’s kind of my, what I’m thinking.
And I still have a lot of time to plan it, but I’m still getting very overwhelmed looking at the hotel prices and the distance from the pier and the parking. There’s valet parking. And that’s a social interaction that kind of really terrorizes me. And Anna’s Valley parking, I’m not a fancy person, and I get very out of my element and out of my comfort zone. And I feel very small in situations like that. If you saw my Waffle Maker video, like I’m just like at the bottom of the totem pole in so many ways. And going to a place of valley parking, I don’t know, I’m much more comfortable being the worker parking people’s cars. So there’s a lot of anxiety that this trip would bring. But that moment of peace being on the pier, man, that’d be nice. That’d be a good person.