Weddings, Baby Showers, and Astronaut Affairs: Tales from the Coolest Job

And it has gotten me through a lot of weddings and baby showers to have my dream job. To sit in the back row like, yeah, whatever. Have your bullshit love party, hope it works out. I’m still gonna have the coolest job of anybody, you know? And that was true until somebody married an astronaut. And everybody’s so impressed. I guess astronaut beats everything. They’re like, you gotta admit, Taylor, that’s the coolest job. And I’m like, oh, he’s gotta wear a costume or he’ll die. Fuck off, that’s a dumb job. No, if I can’t breathe somewhere, I don’t go there. Dan, that’s just science. Dan hasn’t even been to space, you guys. He just goes to work and practices space. That’s his job. He goes in, they put him in a roller coaster ride. They’re like, don’t throw up. He’s like, you got it, captain. What a hero. I’m not proud of this, but I told the girl that married him. I was like, you better hope he never does go to space. And she goes, why? Cause it’s dangerous. I said, no, cause he’s gonna cheat on you up there. Oh, you don’t think astronauts are cheating? They’re in space for months, floating. How long do you think it’s gonna take before one of them looks at each other like, hey, you know, we should try. Houston, we have a problem. Not a big one. I mean, it’s medium. It’s not small or anything. I’m just Saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens on the moon never even happened. We faked that landing. That’s a joke. We didn’t fake it. There were no female astronauts back then.