When it comes to jokes, this is my opus. Like a, like chef’s kiss. Is there anybody here a fan of the Winter Olympics? Shit, there goes that joke. Ah! I knew that that was gonna happen. There’s a reason that that happens, I know that. Because nobody gets excited about the Winter Olympics if you’re Mexican, it’s too cold. Even if we wanted to participate in the Winter Olympics, your mom would never let you go out like that in tights. Recién bañado. You’re gonna go out in tights. Mijo, I’m like, where you going? I’m gonna go bobsledding. Te acabas de bañar. Your face is gonna get crooked. Did your mom tell you that? You’re like, mom, that’s an old wives tale. Ah, old wives tale. Go ahead and go outside then, go ahead and go outside. But you’re gonna come back the ****. Oh, mom. Ah! I’m gonna tell you, go back outside until the other side evens out. **** Quasimodo. Even if you wanted to participate in the Winter Olympics, it’s hard, man, it gets too cold. We have to bust out the San Marcos blankets. Right, the Mexican tiger blankets? The bad thing about that is that we have to take them off the windows because they’re being used as curtains during the summertime. You ever seen a Mexican tiger in somebody’s window? Yeah. That means they’re Catholic. That’s to scare the Mormons away. It’s like, come on, let’s go. They’re Catholic. Well, how do you know they’re Catholic? Well, didn’t you see the Virgin Mary next to Pancho Villa? Am I the only one that has that blanket? And in the Winter Olympics, they have this sport called curling. If you don’t know what curling is, that’s when they grab this rock, they put a handle on it and they slide it down the ice. It goes, ffff. And you got two guys in front of that sweeping and chingas. If white people can invent a sport like that, why can’t we invent a sport that we would dominate? Why can’t we invent a sport that’s just specifically made for us? Imagine, if somebody made a sport specifically made for us, I’m talking about a huapango marathon. You know those dances? Do you know what a huapango marathon is, sir? Huapango, you know what the cotton eye Joe is? The cotton eye Joe is like the white version of a huapango, but just imagine the cotton eye Joe with a much lower credit score. Okay, that’s just a huapango. And these things happen at quinceañeras, bro. They go on forever. You ever go to a quinceañera? Huapangos last like four days. And everybody, the band is all tired. They’re like, it’s done, good sales! Are you tired? No! No! Your tía Lupe’s lost like 36 pounds. And at every quinceañera that we have where they play these things, they have the most overweight person in our family, your cousin Myra, that likes to wear the least amount of clothing. You know what I’m talking about? She likes to wear those gladiator sandals that wrap up all the way to the knee. She thinks she looks hot, but it looks like she put a bunch of rubber bands around a loaf of bread. Like she’s putting ligas around a barra de pan. She’s got a skirt on, and she’s got a tank top on that doesn’t quite cover everything. She’s got LOL sticking out in layers of lonja. She’s looking like a half-open can of biscuits on the dance floor, you know? Guana la guana, mmm, diggit, wig. Guana la guana, guana la guana, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig, gig. She’s got all everything hanging out. Her ombligo is sticking out from the bottom of her tank top that she got tattooed back in 1996 when the God smacked son wrapped around her belly button. Yeah, but since then she’s had 12 kids from six different dudes who had exploded into a supernova. That’s a science joke. And at Every Quinceañera we also have the most, the oldest really living relative in your family. Your great, great, great, great, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, tata, abuela. She’s like 562 years old. And the only reason she’s alive is cause death just forgot about her. And you’re, and they will her in and an iron lung and everything. And your parents are the ones that make you feel real bad. You better go say hi to your grandma. Your, your grandma’s here. You better go say hi to her. You never know when you’re going to see her again. A la mejor cuando la están metiendo al pozo. That’s when you’re going to see her again. And you’re going to feel real bad because you didn’t say hi to her right now. You’re like, ta bueno ma, calmate, ch***. And you walk up to your grandma, you’re like, hey grandma. Are you having a good time? And there’s a fly in her eyelid, like a Venus fly. Try that. Mejor. As close as a fly in there. Smile. Mátame, mijo. Just staring at you through the fly. Mátame. Así como esta mosca, mijo. Estos huercos, they just want me alive pa chingarme el cheque. And I have to take 60 pills a day just to stay alive. Ya no puedo. And she lets go of the fly. And you’re like, are you okay grandma? And then the song starts, that song that everybody knows. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And she’s like, hagan según las pu*****, salvo yo. And she’s the first one on the floor, right? Ah. She’s the first one on the floor, right? Ah. Para atrás. Vuelta. Ah. Now the tennis ball, now the dance floor’s all scratched up with tennis ball scratch marks. Well we could do it, bro. You imagine a wapango race? Like an actual Olympic event. Ladies and gentlemen, here we have the wapango marathon starting line. Where I’m getting word the Valley team and South Texas team is looking rather tenacious and ready to win. You can actually recognize them because you’re the ones wearing the shiny shirts with the Virgin Mary on the back. And they’re also wearing giant belt buckles with their last name and old English letters. We now go down the action where the band is getting ready to start because the wapango marathon doesn’t start off with a gun, you know? On your mark, get set, go. Starts off with a wapango that everybody knows, right? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And the Valley team is taking off. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m getting word the San Antonio team is now traveling backwards. Trying to mock their opponents with their brightly colored ostrich boots. 26 miles later, like, because we’re Hispanic, we can do that. You ever go to Quinceañeras wapagos last night, four days? I tell you, we’re still going at it. 26 miles later, ladies and gentlemen, the South Texas team is still going on strong and I’m getting word the Canadian team actually died a few miles back. They could not handle the hot wapangoing action. On a sad note, five-year-old wapangoing phenom, Leslie Rodriguez from Floresville, Texas, pulled a hamstring in the middle of the race. Don’t worry, she was quickly cured by the grandmother on the team with a method they call Santa Santa colita durana. I don’t know what’s in that frog’s ass, but apparently it works. We know, we know go down to the finish line where the South Texas team is looking to finish the race in circles, ladies and gentlemen. And after the playing of the South Texas anthem, we have a special treat, an interview with the captain of the South Texas team, Juan Jose de la Luz Borges Gonzalez Martinez III, Jr. .com We get on the podium writing this song that represents us, represents us as a culture. And you get up there and they put the medal around your neck and it’s like, and you know, if you know the song, feel free to, feel free to sing along with us. You’re there with your head, over your heart. And it’s like, Y volver volver All the way You guys know that song, it’s your high school graduation song. Because you didn’t get a diploma, you had to volver volver for summer school, right? Hey guys, my name is Raymond Ortam, and I thank you so much. I appreciate you so much. Guys.