If you’re in a committed relationship and you and your partner tend to spiral out into arguments whenever you guys talk about triggering subjects. I want you to save this video and use these steps I’m gonna share with you as a playbook for healthy, conscious communication that you both agree to do. So you can even send us to your partner and say, let’s agree to do these things when we talk to each other. So No. 1 is you’re both gonna agree to use eye language when you express how you feel. This looks like avoiding saying you in your language as it tends to feel like blaming and leads to defensiveness. By saying I feel hurt when dot or I feel loved when dot, dot, dot, you’re taking accountability for how you feel and inviting a solution. So instead of blaming your partner for what they did, just say, I feel hurt when this doesn’t happen. And if you’re trying to motivate them to do something, you know, positive, it’s like, I feel really loved when you put the dishes in the sink. Thank you.
Secondly, you’re gonna be, instead of saying you don’t put the dishes in the sink, secondly, you’re gonna be solution focused in your mentality instead of problem. Focusing on the problem is only gonna lead to going in circles and defensiveness, like just continuing to blame each other and talk about what happened or what they did. Instead, switch to your language to focus on what you can do about it now and in the future. So instead of going over the situation over and over again, you’re gonna say, what can we do about it now? What do I need in the future? What are you gonna do moving forward? And just focus on solutions. Third, you both are gonna commit to actively listen rather than anticipating your turn to speak next. So don’t cut each other off. Sit in silence. Let each person get it out. Don’t worry about defending yourself. There is nothing to prove. Most arguments have a lot to do with feeling like we are not heard, right? As if you cut each other off and you just try to make your next point. This is why you go in circles, because each person has to keep repeating themselves because the other person didn’t take it in and absorb it. They were just defending themselves. So they break that cycle. Each person’s gonna sit and wait and actually take in what the other person said, which is gonna solve this spiraling issue of not feeling like we are heard or understood. By actively listening and caring about what each other says, you’re already dissolving an escalation. And this really tops it off. At the end of listening instead of just saying what you want back, you’re gonna repeat back what you heard in your own words and have your partner do the same for you when you speak so they get done telling you something, you’re gonna say, okay, what I heard you say is, and then repeat it back in your own words so that they can confirm, yes, that’s what I said, or no, that’s not what I meant. And they try again. And when you give your point, they’re gonna pause and not defend themselves. They’re just gonna say, okay, what I’m hearing is you’re feeling hurt, because they’re gonna repeat it back.
This not only solidifies that each person was heard by the other, but that they were understood. Without this step, we might think the other person heard us or understood, but that would only be an Assumption, which is usually not entirely correct. So you guys get in the same arguments and you’re like, I already said this or I told you this. It’s like if they didn’t confirm back to you and repeat back, like they might not have absorbed that.
And this is the final and fifth step to end the conversation. You’re gonna state your resolution again in I language. You’re gonna tell each other, each what you’re gonna do now and in the future, each of you are gonna show accountability for your part of the solution your partner is gonna do the same. This means you both have an action plan. A lot of these conversations end with no action plan. Just like, you know, you both go in circles and there’s no actual resolution. Okay, the next time this comes up, what are we each gonna do? This means you’re both committing to it. You both have an action plan. You know exactly how you will approach the situation next time it happens to resurface. Sometimes we end disagreements and completely miss this step, which is why we have repeated problems because we forget to create an action plan.
This is so helpful and only one piece of key information in having a healthy, conscious relationship. It’s from inside the Inner Work of Relationship Books. Highly recommend. You can get this on our TikTok shop.