Here’s a travel day in my life
going from Texas to New Jersey.
I woke up at the butt crack of dawn.
My flight was in two hours,
and I had not packed, clearly.
But I needed coffee
because it’s the only reason I wake up in the morning anymore.
And then I held the new puppy.
Hi, Maui.
She’s the cutest ever made my bed.
Cause I’m just that guy, I guess.
Then I started doing laundry and packing
and realized that I kind of had an hour before I had to leave.
So I got ready, brush my teeth.
I look like Casper the ghost.
And then I took Maui out to go shit,
and she went up the steps for the first time.
Look at her. What a trooper.
The steps didn’t stand a chance,
except for this last one. Gave her some trouble,
but you got it, babe.
Come on. Mwah,
mwah, mwah.
Push, push, push.
Oh, yes,
queen. Love that. Anyway,
and then I got all packed. Okay.
Aesthetic said bye to Maui. Oh,
her and Pippi ran off and said bye to the Ritz,
because I’m gonna miss it.
I love you. Mwah! Oh!
My mom drove me to the airport.
Best Uber driver there is.
Love her for that. In the Subaru.
We pulled up to DFW, got through security,
and then I immediately went to get a Monster Energy,
and it made me shit. And mid shit,
they said that we were boarding Which I apparently missed.
So I rushed on and I wiped.
Don’t worry. And then made it on the plane. Okay.
Economy slay United.
The plane was like from 1950,
I think, and it was a thousand degrees.
The guy next to me smell. But I woke up and we are at 30,000 feet.
I said, okay, nap.
Love that. Then I had to go piss,
but the seatbelt sign was on for like half the flight,
so finally I got to piss. Watched Emily in Paris the entire flight
because it’s like, it brings me joy.
I don’t know. They told us that for the landing,
there were throw up bags, like barf bags in the back seat
because it was gonna be so rough.
I was like, hello?
Like, maybe let’s re.
Let’s rework this a little bit.
But we made it on the ground safely.
I tripped over a wheelchair getting off,
I’m not even joking, on the ramp.
I was like, okay,
nobody saw that. Hey, ruckers.
And then I escalated down straight to the Dunkin to get a cold brew.
I chugged it, and then look what was waiting for me.
My bag. What a queen.
Already there. And then I walked out to my Uber,
the little Honda Accord. Love that.
I think his name is Paul or something.
He was a great driver. Five stars.
We made it back in one piece,
back to my apartment,
and the first thing I did when I walked in this door.
It was. Put it in the hole, obviously.
And then I poured myself a Poppy because I was parched.
I needed a little pick me up,
and that gave it to me. And then I went to get my packages,
because that’s always the first step if you want my signature.
There it is. Walked in,
I had four. Love them.
Got this kills censored one.
It was fun. And then I had a protein shake for fuel.
I guess now I fake tanned love that went out to my car.
I missed her. There she is.
We were stopped when I took that video,
so shut up. And then I went to Whole Foods and spent a bag on some food.
And then I cooked dinner, which you already saw,
if you follow me. I made that yesterday.
Pasta Emily in Paris. And then I made these date cookie dough bites.
Cookie dough. Cookie dough.
So good. Oh, amazing.
And then I went to bed. And that’s really it.
I love you. Mwah.