I was feeling bored
after a long day of being
hand fed heirloom grapes by
pool boys #
2 and 5
so I said to my assistant
get me my Tesla cybertruck
I want to go clubbing
she says
you don’t have a Tesla cybertruck
I said why not?
she says because last month
you drove it into the Pacific Ocean
I said oh yes
I remember
I thought all cars turned into boats
surely we can get a temporary one
so we go to this place called
Hertz Rental Car
which is a good name because
it describes the way it makes you feel
you go to this counter
and a man who slicks his hair back
with motor oil
asks what kind of car you want
I say do you have the kind
that turns into a yacht?
he says we have a Kia
I say isn’t that the store where
they sell broken furniture to
furious couples?
he says do you want insurance?
I say sure
I’ll take on a policy on husband
number nine
he probably won’t be around
for much longer
he says
do you wanna return it full of gas
I say I don’t appreciate the implication
but sure
then he asks to see my license
I say I don’t have a licence
I’m rich
and then he refuses to give me my car
I was so distraught
I went out to the parking lot
hot wired a Kia
and drove it right into the ocean
like a modern day Virginia Woolf
on wheels
it didn’t turn into a boat
but I was saved immediately
and airlifted to my favourite club in Ibiza
where I spent the rest of the night
dancing and plotting revenge
on the rental car man
watch your back Mr. Hertz